awawa

awwawa

Ego Death X3

hiya

CW// btw this is kinda sad like it has made literally everybody and their mamas cry, and depicts a rather negative plural experience

it feels weird being as present as this necessitates, but it’s somethin i wanna get out and share. this is just gonna be a short thing

X3

you might notice that im the original of the system, and that im not around very often. from what ive seen of other systems, this is a little uncommon, but does happen. and as the title of this might suggest, it was quite the change

im doing alright now! i’ll just get ahead and say that. in the days leading up to that moment where i stopped fronting, and for many many after, i was constantly crying and couldn’t get myself up to do anything. eventually i didnt want to get up to front, and i was begging every day that someone else take over more permanently. nobody wanted to step up at first but i couldnt take it so i just stopped and let them figure it out. winter has done an amazing job in my shoes ^w^ im really just so grateful to it <3

X3

i wanna write this to briefly describe what that all felt like, for anyone who’s curious, for whatever reason. you probably all know what depression feels like. this was sort of the logical extension of that “wanting to go to sleep and never wake up.” except instead of sleeping, i was watching a bunch of kids, vampires, and whatever else try and pick up the pieces where i left them and make a life worth living out of it.

they did so fucking good??? like it feels like i blinked and 2 years passed and now everything is different and better. everyone calls us a new name that they chose together. we live in a better, safer place. we have loads of friends that i never made. we have so many of the abilities and experiences and things that i was too scared to work towards, and it’s all just there now. i always feel a strange guilt coming back into front and using all of these resources (including this website) that i didnt work for for myself. but obviously i did a lot! i got us through 20 something solid years stuck in the mind of a child, and it’s that shell of a life i created that they used to make something really beautiful

i was watchin that whole time too. when things went wrong for us, i’d be the first to freak out and then pepper or haiden would calm me down or move me to another room to get it out by myself. that shit was hard. in front, i was perpetually frustrated whenever it was clear that whatever problems i was having would melt away with time, and that that was often the best or least invasive solution. it felt like i had been waiting my whole life. for what? for what? nobody could say. and this was just even more waiting

the thing that made it most bearable was that peony would fucking kill me every day. it made me fucking stupid. it let me stop crying so much. one time she got a bit overzealous with it, and i lost control of the respawns a bit, so now there are 3 of me. (no! we are not counting them as distinct headmates! we’re like still the same! it’s like cerberus from helltaker!) that, is the reason i, or, we? have titled this “Ego Death X3.” it’s like,, times 3,, but also like a cute animals face,,,

when things went right, whenever we had some small victory, made some noticeable headwind, i barely noticed. behind the layers of dissociation i put up to protect myself, all my anxieties, and my tears, i could not see all of our steadily mounting accomplishments. occassionally, i would get out in front again for the first time in a while, and it would feel like i blinked and now we were somewhere totally different. not just physically but also in terms of all of our newfound abilities, and friends, and interests, and everything. everytime i looked, we were something else

that something else we were becoming strayed further from what i had made ourself before all of that. that version of ourself i made was dying in front of me, and everyone was happier. i think i understand those new headmate feelings of “who are we? who am i in relation? what did they do to this body? who are these people? what am i doing? why am i doing it?” but it’s from an altogether weird angle, where it used to be my life and slowly that eroded away. now, i am that stranger to a strange body in a strange life in an increasingly strange world. it’s all changed. i miss getting quiznos with my babysitter and silly bandz TwT

i’d like to say hi to all my old friends,,, if i had any besides our wifey,,,, thank you to all my headmates tho <333333 we’d be gone if not for their continued efforts. i’m thinking about being more present. It’s still scary, and i have no idea who i personally am in the context of this new shot at life the others have built. if you wanna talk, just call for me. im usually around but im highly highly anxious still so i might have to leave it at a “hello” for my sake, if even that <3

mayb,, i shld strt typn that way i came up w agn,, (that th others STOLE!!!!1!) nah idk that doesnt totally feel like me anymurr

<3

hazel 3/31/2026