subgem in a subslop world;
story of my fucking life

(I am not sorry to the girl we insulted on the internet who we are stealing the format of that title from! You might be dykegem, but the way you post does everything to suggest against that.)

 

We want to be submissive more frequently, so why do people assume//expect us to be dominant so often?

I mean that question as genuinely as possible, btw. This problem has gotten so frustrating that we’ve lost sleep and cried into our pillows over it. We have asked around for other people’s opinions. They have been illuminating in some ways, but their thoughts don’t paint a complete picture for us, and their advice seems half-baked. When something is as stressful as this and so complex a problem, we are well versed in digging our heels in and doing the psychological work we need to get to the other side of that problem. This is my thought process in words, so that we can reference it later, and share it more easily.

Be warned, this is a piece about kink, and identity. It’s about trauma, and healing. I do not make highly specific reference to traumas, but there is some stuff here that involves gender dysphoria, physical//emotional abuse, plurality, autism, and probably some more I’m forgetting or whatever. There are also brief mentions to kinks that you may find extreme. Most of this work is personal opinion and experience. I invite criticism of this work. It also ended up being a lot longer than we intended, like omg? This was originally just a bulleted list, but then we thought to expand on it and kept going like that for about 10k words...

Our thoughts//feelings on these topics are bound to change, just as we are to change.

 

Why I want to sub tf out

This is the first step of that problem, so let’s break it down! It is easy enough to reflect on why I feel I want something. I’ve done this by examining what I expect//hope to come out of that thing I want (subbing tf out). These are all important for me to have a good time with play, but I do enjoy having a couple taken out some times.

 

1// I want to feel safe even and especially if I’m afraid.

It's well known that sex and kink heals trauma, and is the best imaginable way to confront trauma//fear without a dedicated healer. This is part of me. It’s inseparable by this point. This is why I’m not a person. If you get it, you get it.

Fear is controlling. It has kept me stuck in one place for so fucking long. The more I choose to turn on that fear while I’m playing, the more control I have over that fear outside of play. It feels divine to break free from it. It is intoxicating. We have a long standing fear of mushrooms and we are finally getting over it by being horny about it actually. Mold making me choke, spores filling my throat and suffocating me,,, Being host to colonies of those things,,, We’ve eaten mushrooms a few times lately, which used to be unthinkable. The thought that our food could be contaminated with them would make us freeze and stop breathing, but now it makes me squirm,, That’s just an example.

 

2// I want to be taken care of.

Very very recently we’ve come down with gallstones (probably, edit: yes) and it blows the big one honestly. It’s not fun literally feeling like I’m having a heart attack because I layed down too long (like as in sleeping) or ate pizza. It has been so bad that we called our mom to take us to the hospital, and it’s such a huge relief to have people around us who are earnestly trying to help and take care of us. It’s unusual. We always wanted to get hit by a car so that people would look after us. That should give you enough indication to know the score. It’s unusual that people take good care of us, and has been unusual ever since a time we were still learning what was normal. Does not everyone enjoy putting the reigns in someone else’s hands?

 

3// I want to exercise someone else's thoughts and do what they think is best for me because it’s easier.

We have to make all too many choices. When the choice is reduced to an obey or disobey, it becomes so sososososososososossososososossososososososososososososososo much easier are you kidding me? We short a fuse and blow up whenever we spend too long in a grocery store, but give us a list and tell us exactly what you expect from us and sprinkle on some praise, and it can turn anything we hate from the bottom of our heart into the most pleasurable thing imaginable. This is what the maid headmates are for btw. Point and tell them what to do and they will do it with a smile. We will inject ourselves into the task. We will brat and push boundaries. If you don’t say exactly what you want from us, how else would we know?

That “tell us exactly” part can’t be stressed enough, like maybe it should be it’s own bullet point. Rules autism is my kink :)

 

4// I want to be told exactly what to do.

Rules autism is my kink :) We seriously struggle with vague//conflicting instruction or even worse a wide open possibility space. This has wider implications outside of kink of course. We are getting better, because we know it’s not something we can be weak at forever. It’s taking time, but right now it is infinitely more comforting to be told and to know exactly what kind of thoughts//behaviors//words are expected of us. Conversely, it is very quickly overwhelming to be given too much choice or to be given overly vague//conflicting instruction. This has purposefully been used to fry my brain, and I’d like to report that it is still effective at that.

 

5// I want to know what it feels like for when im domming.

As a switch, that being someone who is emotionally well adjusted, I definitely still enjoy domming. We all like it in different ways, just as we all like different kinds of subbing. We all find it hard to be able to put out that sort of thing constantly without having a break from it and feeling what it’s like to be the target of that sort of loving. So many of our worst hookups have demanded that we dom. It’s so much work. It is good work, but it is still really hard for us. When these other bullet points stress that subbing is easier on our brain, you can assume the opposite to often be true of domming, in its own ways. I know that a lot of these are more generally about kink, so it isn’t like I get nothing out of domming, just less right now.

The more I think about things, the bigger this point seems. It definitely stands out from the rest in our mind, and we've given it more thought than most of the other points here. Not to spoil things, but we might really be more dominant than we care to admit. But, our ability to act in that way hinges on more//separate//complex moving pieces. More on this later.

 

6// I always fantasize about being lesser//smaller and rarely get to genuinely feel that way.

We’ve always been bigger than everyone in our class, and stronger despite never working out, and smarter even though it came so easily to us. //put the they’ll really let you coast your life on undiagnosed autism if you get good grades image// but there is also the idea that I was a kid and during that time I was systematically looked down on and ignored by all the people who were supposed to care for me. …You should be able to understand. I was diminutive in a way that could not be helped, and the adults I knew exploited that, before I could ever begin to understand what they were doing. Being so helpless by my own choice now is supremely liberating, and lets me understand those parts of myself and grow from them.

More than anything in the world, I want to be made to use honourifics. If you're really so much bigger and stronger than me, I need to feel it in everything I do and say. Just imagining calling someone “sir” instantly makes my face hot. I know it’s outside of the scope of this, but maybe I should make some sort of list of favourite kinks and dynamics n such… Honourifics place so high.

 

7// I’ve been expected to be stronger//better, and more responsible, perfect all my life. It’s exhausting.

These, as all identities, are transient. The identities of dom, sub, whatever, are as well. I find recently that it is in embracing the opposite where one most consistently finds the ability to really understand those identities and finally shed them. We have had stretches of time where we don’t relate to any of those: strong, better, responsible, perfect. But, truly being weak, worse, apathetic, a mess, and AFRAID is all so not fun! Wearing those in impermanent settings or wearing them one at a time is really important to us. It helps us reflect on how we perform those in different ways, helps us understand ourself//ourselves, and helps be more than what we are currently.

 

8// I want to be eaten//made to obsess over someone because it inspires me to be someone that will impress them.

When I say eaten, I mean there is some significant part of me I give up and put in others’ lap when I start loving them. I want them to take it, and make it theirs and leverage it, and and eat it. It forces me to take great interest in them and their life, because I become a part of them.

This point is the counter to the last one about being perfect. I do enjoy being so awesome and having it recognized by others, even if it’s a lot of upkeep. The main thing that lets me keep that up is having people who really see me, and impressing them however I can. I try to be phenomenal in ways they could not have predicted. I try to keep changing and learning and growing. Feeling such a rich connection with someone helps us be that.

This isn’t to say that I can’t help myself or do things for myself. Maybe the opposite. I help myself so that others don’t have to, so that I can help them. This is the same thing people mean when they say you have to love yourself before you can love anybody else. But, if I find myself lonely and without anyone I can look up to, I will tend to sink and relax and do only things that are easy. I hate seeing myself all useless like that. Having people who I put massive amounts of respect//trust into helps me keep working on myself, and be ready to be there for them and with them.

 

9// I want that someone eating me to give me part of themself just as i give up myself.

Is that fair? Seems to me like the most fair possible arrangement. On that “you must love yourself before you can love anyone else” idea, I have met far too many who don’t. I have given them my heart and gotten little save for pain in return. I’m through with it, personally. Maybe once we are in a position where we can teach someone how to love without it taking such a huge portion of our spare energy and time, maybe then we will take more broken girls under our wings, but not now.

I have met very very painfully few others who are so full of love as I am and it feels like a game to win a stake of that love. I love playing the game with people who know how to play it. I love wagering too much. I’m very bad at gambling. I still tend to give so much for so little in return, and I have no idea how to bluff. I want my partners to recognize this. I want someone who is going to feed off of all I have to give, and encourage me to keep going, and tease out all I have to give for their own sake. There are few if any stones I am unwilling to turn over, so many truths//dares I would not hesitate sharing//performing in the name of so deep a connection. I make myself a buffet where few have eaten more than their fill.

Make me yours, and you will become mine. The nature of mastery//control is that it is the very thing you have such mastery//control over that controls you in turn. Making me yours is no small task. It would change you forever the same way it would change me. I want to have that kind of fun <3

 

10// I want that someone because I am full of bottomless love I want to share.

I really have so much love to give, and I am so good at loving. This is what the Slushy reviewers are saying. I want to touch people in a way that really matters. This point, out of all of them, is the least tied to subbing or even to sex//kink, but it is difficult to have the best of those without there being some love. Even if it is completely detached//misplaced love, there is still love in the greatest acts of passion. That’s what we feel. Going back to my bottomless love. Of course there is a limited throughput, but even still I love fast, and hard, and more than most people are ready for. I burn hot, and it eats me up, and I keep going. It hurts; that’s how I like it.

If you get to the other side of that, you’re stuck with me for as long as you want me, pretty much. I mean it when I say I love you. Oh, what do I mean? To me, “I love you” means I feel safe with you. It means I trust you. (Trust means I believe you will try and act for our mutual benefit//wellbeing.) It means that I am willing to be changed by you. I believe we are all doing what we believe to be best for ourselves in any given moment, using all of the past experiences and knowledge we have to guide those decisions. We are all stuck in a great big labyrinth and all we can do by ourselves is watch the walls and map the place out as we pass everything by. Through communicating and sharing, we see more of the labyrinth than we could by ourselves. That comes to inform our decisions in a way similar to us having seen those parts of the labyrinth anyway. I think that act of communicating//sharing with someone, and having them trust what you say, and changing what they might want to do, what direction they might want to take, is changing someone. Suddenly I want to talk to and be with this person. They make me feel safe. I trust them. I want to talk with them and hear their stories. I love them.

 

11// I want it because it makes me feel I have a place in the world.

This is the kink turning into identity sort of thing. but, it is also coming from a place where I have very very rarely ever felt at home. Since moving out, we haven’t stayed in one place for more than 2 years. When we’ve gotten to the 1 year mark, we have always felt this overwhelming sense that something is wrong and we oughtta get moving again. Experiencing the seasons again from the same place is scary to us. I don’t know what home will feel like when we’re there. I do know that that place is some distance from here. And I know that in my best scenes and sessions, all of that stops mattering. It stops mattering because I am only right there where I am, and in that moment. It’s the only place I could be, or ever want to be. It helps.

 

12// I want it because it feels good.

Big proponent of hedonism. I’m reflecting on it more as of late, because I do abandon a lot of the things I want to do or make in the name of passion//pleasure or immediate gratification. There is also an argument that if I didn’t really want to do what I did more than whatever I gave up, then why would I have done it? It also gets me hurt pretty bad. Metered, I have always believed it a good thing. Time and place.

 

What subbing means to me

Well like, mostly you know it when you see it. Really I should have defined this first, but this is how my brain works, so it’s what you get. It is retreading ground in some sense, but it’s a different angle.

 

It means being in control.

This is only true of good sex. The reason cnc is so good is because we get to pretend like this isn’t true. It also isn’t like the dom has no control obviously. If it were an analogy of one person being the driver and the other being the navigator, I’m unsure where to place either position. I think they can both be driving and navigating as it were. There is control in both. One says what we want and where we’re going, and the other one says how we get there. Both, notably can say “let’s pull over” at any time, in an ideal situation. If all parties have an ability to call “red” and stop a situation, or otherwise just walk out and leave, or if what is happening is agreed on, then all parties have control over if anything even happens in the first place. If you can’t leave, you don’t have control.

 

It means letting go of control.

It means trust. If you are letting someone else “drive” or “navigate” as I said in the last paragraph, you are letting them control aspects of you and your life. Notably, you need some control in the first place in order to give it up. If you had none to start with, you’d be a victim, not a sub. If this was ever you, I hope that you find now that you have a great degree of control with the people you trust, removed from those harmful situations. Dropping that same control you didn’t have right in their hands is, for my money, the best way to heal from that kind of thing. 

This is where I will purposely kick out some of those reasons I want to sub or let them be kicked out. It makes me wildly uncomfortable at times to feel confused, unloved, unsafe, or just not even enjoy things in the moment, but those have been some of the sessions I reminisce on most. It's a compromise, or in other words it's communication and trust that can make those situations enjoyable in the end. To know deep down that I am loved, I am safe, and I’m doing what I want, and to feel like none of those are true in the moment, that is divine. It’s scary! I want it to be.

 

It means engaging in a fantasy.

Lots of aspects of that fantasy are decided by the dom. It is like being taught the rules of a game. You can choose to play. You can choose to try and win, or purposefully disappoint, but you cannot truly be upset by the outcome. (If you are, that is the time to stop playing.) You have more agency than just this; you can set some of the rules. Infact, I’d say that if you aren't contributing to this in some way, then it’ll only set you up for disappointment. Giving boundaries and limits are rules. At higher levels those can be carefully negotiated, but why not start with some rules that are easier to bend? “Don’t hit me like that” in a bratty enough tone can and will get you hit immediately. The inverse could be true where you are pampered and treated nicely for the rules you make. Experiment!

What I enjoy the most is wagering more and more as I get sucked in deeper and deeper. It reaches a critical mass where I am totally screwed if I lose, and by that point there is usually already a clear winner. The moment everything crashes down on me is better than any orgasm. I had my sexual awakening stacking blocks and knocking them over. I’m being so deadass rn.

 

It means being responsive.

Moan like a bitch when you like it! Take a shred of fucking initiative and guide your dom, because that shit is hard! You are both engaging in something incredibly intimate and potentially dangerous. I find that it’s sometimes better left to the sub to be the one to check in, make sure things are going okay, and see that you're both getting what you want. Also, do any of that before fully entering that “I don’t care what you do, just keep going” space. Failure to do that makes unhappy sex. Communicate your fucking needs I swear holy fuck.

Being responsive also means playing with your play partner. At it’s very best, this game we play feels like you are constantly on the back foot. It feels like even a well planned and executed play can’t fully make up the difference and every quick grab at the pieces you’ve lost is just another play right into a dominant’s hands. It feels like losing. It feels like knowing you’re losing and still playing anyway.

 

Here's a list of some of my magic spells. I usually adapt these to fit the situation:

  • “I’m a princess, so you have to treat me like one.” You get to find out how they think princesses should be treated, and it can be meaningfully reassuring for the dom ^^ This is an instance of setting rules the same way a dom will, and they have the option to follow and dance or blatantly ignore it.
  • “You aren’t going to do that thing I’m afraid of, are you?” You show your hand too early and give them something new to exploit. Also, there have been times where I genuinely don’t want that something to happen, and this has given the space to talk about it. It's a weird line to straddle.
  • “Please keep going. I understand what will happen if you do.” Not enough of these bitches fucking understand consequences. If you express that you do, that you have informed consent, and that it's still something you want to have happen, it’ll be very hard for someone to turn that down. Ohhhhh the denial when they do turn down that request to keep going! Ohhh it makes me squirm and makes my heart jump just thinking about it. Showing off the thing that is pleasing me most in that moment and having it ripped out under my feet? Gods.

 

You’ll notice that those spells lean into that tell me exactly what to do, so I have two options, obey or disobey idea, but the sub//dom dynamic is swapped, where you would potentially be telling these to a dom. Really, there is no concrete difference between the two, dom and sub, in my head, and things work best when everyone is trying a little bit of everything. It could speak to my specific preferences while domming more than anything, but I’ve had a lot of personal success with these.

That's not to place undue importance on the tell me exactly what to do point either. These spells work in all those other ways to different extents. Those points are also just the reasons I personally like sex, so acting//speaking in a way that works on those same axes is going to be how I get what I want. What you want is going to be a bit different, so the things you say//do should be different too.

A spell I hear a lot and I believe to be highly ineffective on me at least is “I’m a pathetic bitch who doesn't know what's right for me and I need to get put in my place, woof.” If you truly don't know what you want, why or even how are you here engaging in this space? You are making yourself a pathetic bitch without me involved in that decision. It forces me to treat you how I think you expect a pathetic bitch to be treated. (Glad to know you're into misogyny.) This is what the “I need to get put in my place” is implying. That’s what you really want, so saying that you don't know is a lie. Do you want to be someone who lies right now? Is that part of the intention? The statement is contradiction and forces my hand to act in whatever way I think you meant. Maybe this works for other people but I just find it confusing!

I hope this helps break down what I imagine these magic spells to be and what makes them effective. It is important to me that they effectively communicate what you want. Effective communication means that the people you are communicating with can understand what you mean. If there's no understanding, it's not effective. It is often direct. It is built on statements like “I am this way” “I feel this way” “I want this thing.” The spell I just described as ineffective works in the exact same way as these statements, but it falls apart, because there is contradiction. Be clear and consistent. Be aware of yourself, how you feel, and what you want. Use these concepts to get what you want. That's magic.

 

What domming means to me

I find defining the counter to subbing useful for understanding subbing itself, but also I need to figure this out eventually to answer the original question in full. 

 

It means becoming something else.

Often in the eyes of a sub, you appear greater than any one person truly could be. It makes you actually greater in that way, so long as you truly accept and embrace that. This superhuman quality can be attained in a lot of ways. Most typically it is earned by being physically imposing, something monstrous or uncaring. (We might just be saying that because that is what’s easiest for us.) Of course, at the end of the day you are stuck in this human body with human thoughts and human feelings, but if you can make someone believe you are the monster you say you are, just for a moment, that is what you become in that moment. Be exactly the sort of thing you yourself are most afraid of, and you will elicit fear. Tried and true <3

 

It means showing someone what you want them to be.

You know as a kid when you would play house or run around the playground engaging in some fantasy? It is like going up to your play partner and saying “you are the princess of cupcake kingdom and I’m here to capture you with my robot dragon powerz.” If we're playing, we're playing how you want. There is a buttload of creativity involved in this, but there are countless ways to lighten the load: starting small and snowballing, having a scene//dynamic already in mind, finding out what the other person fantasizes about//wants, and such. Make your sub someone who bites back and they'll push and struggle until they can’t anymore. Make them someone who loses and gives up and that's just what they'll do. Afterall, why would you make a game you stand no chance of winning?

 

It means giving direction.

This means control. In the subbing definition, I made an analogy for control as being a dichotomy of “driving” and “navigating.” Driving is more active and navigating more passive, but there is direction in both of those. Perhaps what I’m trying to get at is that a dom can take whatever form of control best suits themself, so long as the sub is willing to give it up. It’s not the back and forth that sounds like though. With experienced partners, it’s easy to say “I’m taking the wheel” and have them acquiesce immediately. (hiiii btw :3) The best kind of sub will help you along in whatever ways they can. Even at the very slightest level of involvement, a good sub will moan like a bitch when you do something they like. 

It’s no fucking wonder that praise//punishment are the select tools of the trade. Praise behavior you want repeated, and punish the ones you don't. I find that praise works best in most instances. Punishment, I feel, should only be reserved for instances that have been specifically lined out to result in punishment. “I’ll hit you if you touch yourself” type shit. Everyone's different though and it's beautiful! My wife hits me because she's bored and it makes me so confused and paranoid being around him :3 

 

It means pressing advantage and taking ground.

That is the impression I’m getting from what I’ve written so far. This is not to be confused with making the first play. It can certainly make getting an advantage in the first place easier. (Going first being so innately advantageous is a tired topic of discussion in game design.) An advantage can be won in a lot of different ways. I like when a dom knows something the sub doesn't, or when the dom has some dastardly plan to set in motion. This is sounding kind of anime.

At this point, It’s very important not to confuse domming and topping. They so often go hand in hand, because of patriarchy, and I’m being so serious. My woke alarms go off. Sorry. Topping and bottoming aren’t even necessary for playing. Sex is not the best part of sex, but still. There are infinity and one ways you can dom someone by making them top you. Blackmail, hypnosis, pressuring, asking nicely, and sadism are just the things that come to mind, but even in those there are a bajillion ways to approach them.

 

Some more magic spells from my personal domming playbook:

  • “Why do you say that?” This is a recent add. Because it has been used to great effect against me. It is strong at everything you’d want. It gets a sub talking. It lets you better know what they are thinking//feeling. It’s a very conversational sort of question so the effect it has (especially in a hypno scene) goes understated in the moment. It clears up possible miscommunication. It's perfect.
  • “Speak up//Don’t hide your face.” You’ve stumbled upon something that your sub doesn't want to show. Make them. It asserts your power over them and their body//mind, and could easily give you more material to work with. Reward them after doing what you said and they melt in your hands.
  • “Aww, sweetie, are you okay?” I’m showing my tendency to soft dom a bit on this one, but it’s not as if you can’t pull this in a rougher scene. It can be electric in that context. It’s a very motherly sort of thing to say, which implies that uneven balance of power, and places yourself as exactly the sort of person to have an inhuman level of control over the sub. It makes them pitiable when you pity them. Don’t underestimate the use of sweet, demeaning pet names either. Then again, they might be a bit overplayed with some people. Use in commoderation.

 

These pointers are in the same sort of ballpark as “yes, and.” They are improvisational tools. They are filler, but they get you moving in the right direction. It’s like a BNB in a fighting game or an engine in a card game. Don’t make fun of me for all these 1v1 game references they’re like the most applicable thing, hmph. The way I see those kinds of games is like communication in a way that surpasses words. You can tell a lot of who someone is by who//what they choose to play in those contexts and how they play them.

Sex//kink is very much this elegant dance in this silly game we play. We all go into it with some understanding of rules, what outcome we expect//want, how we prefer playing, and everything. How do you win? How do you lose? If I had to generalize, I would say winning is getting what you want, and losing is walking away without it. It quickly gets much more complex than that, like you can win by having what you want taken away, and both players can win or both lose. All of what that looks like, including that definition of winning//losing, should and will look different for you yourself, and everyone you meet, and will change moment by moment.

Importantly, these magic spells all draw some sort of information out of a sub and can make them talk for a bit. The back and forth exchange of wants and what each person is willing to give is really important for having a good time here. In a lot of the actions you take as a dom, you are enforcing and getting what you want or what you believe your partner wants. It’s ultimately//critically important to be on the same page about that. I find that duty usually (not always and not exclusively) befalls the dom as they tend to be the one moving through things and leading in some way.

It’s not lost on me that all of the information in this whole piece is basically a How to Fuck Me Good tutorial <3

 

Why do people assume us to be dominant?

This is much more a social problem than all of the internal thoughts//feelings of the previous bits of writing. That is one of the reasons it feels so hard to come to an answer on this just staring at the question in isolation. It’s working in multiple distinct fields but they are connected through identity, love, communication, and such things. Also, since this specific question has more of a social tilt, I won’t be able to answer it very confidently by myself. I have been asking some other people for their thoughts and it was those conversations that helped inspire me to sit down and write. (If you would like to talk to me about any of this, please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please.) Thank you!

It’d probably be best to define what a dom looks like socially and see how we personally fit with that description. I know that these bingo sheets are like highkey misogynistic and horrible, but I feel like it's the easiest way to accomplish what I’m tryna get at. I also know they all say top but let's be so fr they don't care about the difference.

 

Traits that I feel are generally accepted to be signifiers that someone is dominant, at least just going off of bingo or whatever:

  • Physically large (applies to us)
  • Strong (applies)
  • Capable (applies)
  • Masculine presentation (applies often, but can I ask why these are all boy traits and the bottom ones have girl traits???)
  • Polite (applies)
  • Crass (yeah)
  • Confident (yup)
  • Assertive (sometimes, also subs can be extremely pushy)
  • Flirty (the sex//kink identity is associated with wanting sex//kink and acting in a way to get it, no kidding)
  • Serious//cold or otherwise not very emotive (I don’t find this to be true at all of the doms I know.)
  • Can or can't cook which is it?

Well that felt kinda useless, but I consider it important information. Let’s pull on some threads that still jump out at me. What about sub//bottom or general kink bingo? Most of the ones we do, we still fill them out the same way, but let's just completely abandon bingo for now. It’s served its purpose of getting a very general idea for things.

I asked my kinky little friends “what do you use to tell if someone is dom leaning?” and the answer may shock you. The most consistent and perhaps only way to tell is if the person acts dominant in sex or talks about wanting to. Shocking! I also heard confidence, extraversion, security, and such. If people truly believed in only being able to learn this through communication, I wouldn’t be hearing “it’s definitely because you’re so confident that people assume that.” Anyway here’s that list of things I’ve heard.

  • Confidence (Yup, got that) 
  • Extraversion (Yup, lot more lately) 
  • Projects Security (Yup, I hear this a lot about myself) I’ve been told by one person that subs are often tired, hypercompetent overachievers (can you guess what she was?) and that they seek doms for relief from that running around. 
  • Shows Off (I try)
  • Bites when you stick your neck out (I try not to as much as I really want to. It’s complicated.)
    • I read this figuratively//romantically, even if biting necks is a large part of what I do and love. I have problems with biting too much too early and getting myself in hot water. I have trouble distinguishing if someone is making themself vulnerable amicably//romantically//sexually. But, when I see necks, I want to bite.

 

What I’m trying to get at is that I truly believe the only way to accurately tell that someone has a certain identity is by having it communicated to you that they do. I also believe that everyone has (highly contradictory thoughts) about what someone of a given identity should look//behave like. It’s how you get “owns a blahaj” on a t girl bingo sheet. This is not requisite for being trans fem. You can own a plushie without being queer, but it has become so commonplace in these spaces that it becomes a flag that suggests an identity outside of “owns a blahaj.” And then people reproduce those flags in order to communicate to other people that they are that identity or to feel more comfortable in it themselves. Trannies will go buy blahajs because they have heard about them from other trannies and want to feel more trans or communicate that they are. 

I’m assuming that you’re queer if you’ve read this far. This is based off of me knowing that I primarily interact in queer spaces and my personal assumption that by being so interested in my thoughts about kink that you are likely queer. You don’t have to be queer to be into kink; I’ve met at least a few kinky cishets. Based off of the experiences I’ve had, and the information available to me right now, I’m still assuming that you are queer.

My aim is to figure out what those things are that point toward someone being dominant. I want to know why when I reveal that I am really a sub that people will say “oh, I hadn’t even considered that.” I believe that even the best of us with the best of intentions are still ultimately even influenced by those shitty misogynistic stereotypes about what a dom//top looks like. I’m talking about culture. If you consider how we’ve all been socialized//raised and are still so constantly mired in this society, it’s very difficult to fully step outside of that mindset//worldview. This is why I give credence to horrible bingo sheets. That information is part of the zeitgeist, and it is difficult to fully insulate oneself from that, so all of that information is true to some extent. It is the same extent that owning a blahaj makes you trans.

 

Why do people expect us to be dominant?

This is a distinct question from the last btw. And the secret is that the people we know best really don’t. We have some established dynamics with some subs, and those are so nice I have no idea how to put it into words. It’s still true that in some of our closest and longest standing intimate//kinky relationships, we are not expected to dom. It’s even somewhat well known that we sub. I feel like it could be easy to read that and think “oh, so none of this was really a problem to begin with?” There is some truth to that, but I also want to turn attention to our more shallow relationships.

In our worst arrangements and hookups, we have been constantly repeating “I really don’t want to dom you!” and have only gotten “I’m a pathetic bitch who doesn't know what's right for me and I need to get put in my place, woof” in return. We need some higher standards, because we’ll still bite. (We are also working on this.) It always sucks. In those cases, for those people who adamantly won’t respect us, I feel like it's not even worth engaging with them to start. That's also not the kind of person we're looking for or talking about in this, even if it is telling in its own right.

I mean that most people we are meeting//getting close with who actually have a head on their shoulders will assume that we are dominant, (probably because we match what a dominant usually looks like so totally) and be noticeably surprised when they find out that the assumption doesn’t hold. I love when it’s happy surprise. It often is a disappointing one, or it just doesn’t fucking register somehow, like with those shitty hookups.

 

More than anything, I probably meet too many subs. They see me acting how I do and (wanting what they want) expect me to give them what they want. Everyone I meet with a shred of backbone and initiative quickly finds out just how easy it is for me to fold and break.

I’m not one to feed the idea of the dom//top shortage. For the unfamiliar it is that there are significantly less dom//tops than there are sub//bottoms, at least in the trans fem space. I’ve written a lot of this out of order, so I don't know if I’ve dropped it yet, but being a switch is a sign of mental wellness, imo. Even then, I see and hear about and personally know so many girls who do prefer domming. None in my area TwT but anyway I believe the dom//top shortage to be manufactured by subs who don’t know how to have sex. Saying there are no good sub//bottoms in Long Beach? Maybe don’t block me the literal day I made plans to go see you? I’m out here trying so hard.

 

Why do I find it so frustrating?

If I find someone else who just wants to sub, and I just want to sub, nobody is going to take any fucking initiative!!! It gets so much worse once they start offering themself up, like I even want to take it. And then I bite anyway! Like I said, most of these sorta people don’t respect me much in the first place. I still am frustrated by it.

I am frustrated that I have had so few opportunities to play with people in person that we tend to take opportunities that we shouldn’t. It’s a mix of not knowing what we want because of inexperience, and that it is so difficult for us to go out and see people that we’ll jump at every chance we get to make something happen. We are working on this, but I don’t see that sort of desperation on our part completely leaving until we are in an environment more conducive to forming these relationships.

The infrequency that we are able to do anything kinky with more people is a big part of why it’s all so frustrating, and certainly a big part of why we are so desperate to submit. We just don’t get to do it often at all. Our wifeys are averse to a lot of rougher stuff, and kinda highkey asexual respectively. Every other dom we’ve had in our life has only ever been able to give that for a short stint, and it has pretty much exclusively been online. When we see people who are able to be in that subbing mode with some frequency or consistently, we get gender envy kinds of feelings. It really hurts deep down some days. A lot of days.

 

I do enjoy people being scared of me some. I like people worshipping me. In a lot of instances, I want to give a sub some of what they want for giving me that sort of attention that I like. Almost just as often, I legitimately don’t know how to. This is more of that I want to be dommed so I can learn how to do it myself point that I hinted at then. 

One of those stints of being dommed in real life that I really enjoyed was with a girl who only liked sex if it had some sort of cnc. It was disgusting; I loved it. After that, we found ourselves practicing the same things she did with us. It was like by having that experience we unlocked the ability to give that to other people, and we loved it! What we learned from that still makes up a good chunk of what we practice when we dom.

On the complete opposite end, we have been expected to hypnodom before. Keep in mind that at those points we had only ever listened to files online, and been given a couple tastes of it from inexperienced people we know. Most of what we did was repeat what we had heard in those files, and used whatever other domming techniques we had in the bank. It was enough to be so successful on one girl that she still, to my knowledge, crawls around LA begging for someone to hypnotize her like that again, when she had only the same passing familiarity as us beforehand (which I am always patting myself on the back for). We cut things off because we kinda hated each other lol. The whole experience was just so stressful though.

When we try to work that same hypno magic as we did then, we get terribly scared and anxious and run out of things we want to do. We don’t run out of things to say, but just don’t want to say them. As of right now, we have been hypnotized lots more by files and a couple beautiful, precious times by someone we’ve met recently. We really are going to hold those sessions close to our heart for a long time, because it is the first time that someone who is experienced in this and who we really trust has given us that before. Coming out of those hypno sessions, we were already feeling a lot more confident in our own abilities as a hypnotist, even though they’ve only been over text! I feel warm and fidgety all over just imagining it, ahhh *swoon*. These are the sorts of experiences we want to have more of.

Those are the sorts of experiences we want to be able to give to people. One of our most oft repeated fantasies is of being 40 and having a place and insurance, and picking up girls off the street and keeping them in a cage at home, feeding them, playing when I want, and giving entertainment and conversation. Thing is, we never got that. It is something we imagined happening to us over and over while we were stuck with our parents and shit. (It was the main conceit of the big piece of fiction we were writing at the time.) In a way, we were picked up and freed from that, and ever since we have only been looking at that fantasy from that dominant POV. Really experiencing that as a sub would be nice. I’m sure it would be world shattering, and truly, from the depths of our heart, that’s what we want to do. We are frustrated by all the ways we can’t act on those things. We are frustrated that it sometimes feels like we might never experience them ourself. I think those two feelings really go hand in hand at the end of the day.

 

So, now what should I do about all this?

Legit I think part of the answer is going to be in plainly communicating what we want. Our presentation is often the issue, which is a form of communication. That would mean that broadcasting as plainly as possible what we want would mean changing our presentation dramatically. In some ways, like the real gross (total//obvious//sometimes disgusting) boyishness (physical size//strength and controllable gender expression) of our body, it can’t easily be changed. That isn’t to say that change isn’t possible. I mean, we’ve been around. But, we’re happy with our body as of now in a lot of ways! We are still changing what we want as gradually as we find best.

We could change how we act all confident and capable, but we like being those things! If there’s anything we know, it’s that projecting an image of being something means you are that something. We like being powerful and such. We like eliciting a little fear. The alternative might be purposefully being// projecting as pathetic, vulnerable, helpless, pitiable, afraid, and incapable. I don’t want to be those things! At least I don’t want to be them so often that those are the ways people genuinely see us and that they become to influence the rest of our life. I keep my back straight so you’ll just have to imagine bending it over. I’m like if a sub could drive a shitty beat up car and didn’t want to kill herself.

Overall, this matter of presentation//communication is the most immediately solvable, but I don’t know much of what I’d want to do about it. We wear a collar every time we go outside, and easily have at least 3 carabiners on us at any given time. Our hair is fluffy and dyed and washed out, and we speak and act like an autistic faggot. Anyone who would be interested in someone like that should be and has been able to pick us out of a crowd and correctly identify all that weirdness. We aren’t going to start acting as clinging, desperate, and pathetic as the subs we see. We’re going to keep presenting how we want to be, and that is going to continue giving the impression we are more than meets the eye, and that’ll be true, even if it gives the wrong idea about our preferences.

Really it’s going to be about communicating through language. Sharing this page or any of the information herein should help. Now that I’ve gone through and put everything to words in this way, it should be easier for me to get these ideas across as well. We have a habit of scaring people off for one reason or another. We try not to be so forwards with people we’re just meeting, even though it’s what we really want to do. We want to offer a big taste, and if they don’t like what’s there, it’s all the better they leave early. It’s a tough balancing act, drawing back the curtain just enough to keep interest without losing it completely. It’s something we’ve struggled with a lot, but I think that having written all this out is going to at least make communicating the issues on this page a little easier. That is no small feat.

 

In those terms of us maybe actually being more dominant than we care to admit, we still want to sub for now. It’s not a forever thing. Nothing to do with identity and desire ever ever could be, but the future we imagine for ourself does have quite an assertive Slushy. Most of us, in a plural sense, want to dom and have fantasies about it as well. The way forward on this, as we see it, is through subbing. We want to keep subbing. I want to feel that way. I want to make people feel that way, and if I can’t make people feel that way, then how could I live with myself?

 

There is also the great big overarching problem of not being able to have much kink practice, especially in person. It’s something we’ve already been putting heeps of effort towards. Really, we’ve been very lonely most of our life, so doing things to go and meet and be with people is always top of mind nowadays. The powers at be know that I would be too powerful if I lived in a city with reliable public transit and a queer scene. I make mentions of going to LA, but know that it is like a 1-3 hour commitment just to get there, one way, depending on where exactly and what method of transportation. It’s something we’ve been trying to do about once every month, but even that has been so fucking exhausting. If I was around over there all the time, I definitely wouldn’t be complaining so much, and I probably wouldn’t have ever needed to write all of this.

The answer to that is moving. That is in itself such a long, complicated, soul-wrenching problem to face. I think we’re getting to close to really doing it sometime soon, but from where I am it’s impossible to tell how soon or even where exactly I’ll end up. I’m gonna keep doing what I can, because it’s all I can.

 

Other than that, I don’t know what to do! If you find me pitiable enough, and you are of a certain persuasion, you could help me out pretty directly with all this, but I don’t expect much of anything. Just making this has been a pretty big help in understanding myself and where I’m coming from, so I’m happy no matter what. I’m down to talk about any of this stuff, again, but I’m just as well to put this behind me for a little bit and be content that I’m doing what I need to for now. 

Thanks for reading! All the love in the world <3 5/8/2026

 

Bonus:

Here's a real bingo sheet with some chest hair. only take this if you recognize that types aren't real, but also actually are, because we are brought together through an impossibly complex intermingling of culture, language, race, socioeconomics, age, friends, family, socialization, status, gender, and more that cannot be summarized in a description of someone's "type" or a freaking bingo sheet!!!!